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jacfan wrote:

I am the very proud single father of a 10 yr (m) 11 yr (F) 16 yr (F).
Someyimes I feel a tad tired. Nah, it was a pretty ordinary night......til a couple of us livened things up...........

I am not surprised that you sometimes feel a tad tired. Having a full time job can be tiring enough for most men. Bringing up three kids on your own can't be easy. Surprised you have any time left for yourself.

They get up early, I go to bed late

SUBJ: Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run

Chairs & Rugs:

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage in time get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shag is
good.

Doors:

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand
on hind legs and hammer with fore paws. Once door is open, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door
opened, stand halfway in and out, and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow
and mosquito season.

Guests:

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that
human's lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish-N-Glop on
your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric and
color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white-furred
cats should go to black wool clothing.

For walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "but you
allow me on the table when company isn't here."

Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.

Work:

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay
with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as
hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on, picked up, and consoled.

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the
human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book
itself.

3. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the
knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the
knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches. Ignore
it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Play:

It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh
for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2
and 4 am.

Reminder:

Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running
household.

Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you
start early and are consistent.

The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

How to Train a Cat :
Go to RSPCA
return with one lean, hungry, part greyhound,
Open door of house
push dog in.
Shut door.
Go to pub for counter lunch
While there, call removalists (it will be easier to move than rebuild)

Julian Mayo wrote:How to Train a Cat :
Go to RSPCA
return with one lean, hungry, part greyhound,
Open door of house
push dog in.
Shut door.
Go to pub for counter lunch
While there, call removalists (it will be easier to move than rebuild)

Hmmmm I am sensing a war between the species here.

How dogs and men are the same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

A Dog's Dictonary & Guide


Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediatly makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.

Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't.To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs.

Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity.Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket!

Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.

Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.


Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail

Is the cat there?

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that s................. on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

jacfan wrote:How dogs and men are the same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
I like to hover

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
my son loves vacuuming

3. Both mark their territory.
Thats what trees are for

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
No one listens anyway

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
They have survival techniques

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Perfectly understandable, for two entirely different reasons

7. Neither does any dishes.
My dogs lick our plates clean every meal.

8. Both fart shamelessly.
A perfectly normal biological function

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
I always do

10. Both like dominance games.
Takes two for a dominance game

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
Smart

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

football, and dinner

jacfan wrote:A Dog's Dictonary & Guide


Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediatly makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.

Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't.To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs.

Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity.Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket!

Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.

Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.


Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail

I is a waggin, Boss

I is a waggin, Boss

Hey nice wag!!! Good boy I might just have a treat for you.

jacfan wrote:

I is a waggin, Boss

Hey nice wag!!! Good boy I might just have a treat for you.

Enjoy your reward

jacfan wrote:Enjoy your reward

GASP
I AM IN HEAVEN
Surely an angel will float up, and say.....Welcome, ?