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Yummmmm I might just join you for a couple of those. If you don't mind sharing that is.

jacfan wrote:Yummmmm I might just join you for a couple of those. If you don't mind sharing that is.

You are truly welcome......I will just enjoy the lower left quadrant, and wait for a different application of the strawberry vodka ........as if I would be so lucky
I LUV sharing

Like The Way You Think

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

Eat And Drink

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

jacfan wrote:Like The Way You Think

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

jacfan wrote:Eat And Drink

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

"Scusi ?"

I am a very shy country fella...in real life.
T'other day I was waiting out side the local "Hypermarket" ( about the size of your average American block)........a female person with 2 kids started walking towards me, about 900 metres out. By the time she was 30 metres out she had given these two kids such a hard time about their Father, that, I being a Father was getting a bit "peeesed of"............when she got close enough I said......"S'cuse me, but are your kids twins? "

..............................................................................the punch line is

No you are going to have to tell me.

NAH..... she screamed........wots wrong wtya.....any morbloodyron can see theres 6 years difference yer bluddy idjit.

I said........."I am amazed.........you got laid twice"

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it. "

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

Why You Shouldn't Take Your Husband Shopping



Dear Mrs. Hancock,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list
of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance
cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Hancock- Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Hancock
has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a
bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows
from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used
it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!" (And last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door
and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here

jacfan wrote:A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it. "

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

You know my Ex ?

jacfan wrote:Why You Shouldn't Take Your Husband Shopping



Dear Mrs. Hancock,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list
of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance
cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Hancock- Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Hancock
has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a
bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows
from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used
it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!" (And last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door
and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here

You know my Ex ?

Sorry I have never had the pleasure.

jacfan wrote:

You know my Ex ?

Sorry I have never had the pleasure.

I did but rarely