Jokes

Bundy · Post by **Bundy** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 4:07 pm

In an attempt to halt the spread of Bird Flu, George W Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next!!

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 4:24 pm

Bundy wrote:In an attempt to halt the spread of Bird Flu, George W Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next!!

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 4:32 pm

A visual one for you all.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:43 pm

jacfan wrote:A visual one for you all.

i

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:19 pm

Dating in 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw, why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:20 pm

The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it
came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the
casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the
money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket
down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Aug 12, 2006 1:59 am

jacfan wrote:Dating in 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw, why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

What the hell is a ducktail haircut

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:25 pm

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

______________________________

I personally believe that these could be helpful in many conversations.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:32 pm

What the hell is a ducktail haircut

The ducktail, also called the D.A. or duck butt, the style requires that you comb the hair back to the middle of the head, then with the end of a rattail comb, make a center part.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:37 pm

jacfan wrote:
What the hell is a ducktail haircut
The ducktail, also called the D.A. or duck butt, the style requires that you comb the hair back to the middle of the head, then with the end of a rattail comb, make a center part.

Thankyou

Now what the hell is a rattail comb ?

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:05 pm

Now what the hell is a rattail comb ?

I cannot believe that I am teaching you about this...... You are either A/ drunk and not thinking or B/ drunk and thinking too much about a certain member that is not thinking about you.
I cannot believe that you are wasting your time mooning around over someone who doesn't have any interest in you. What about your friend the Spanish dancer? If you have a relationship with her, then why beat yourself up over you know who??
Anyway as Pate Biscuit would say... "and here's a picture."

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:12 pm

jacfan wrote:
Now what the hell is a rattail comb ?

I cannot believe that I am teaching you about this...... You are either A/ drunk and not thinking or B/ drunk and thinking too much about a certain member that is not thinking about you.
I cannot believe that you are wasting your time mooning around over someone who doesn't have any interest in you. What about your friend the Spanish dancer? If you have a relationship with her, then why beat yourself up over you know who??
Anyway as Pate Biscuit would say... "and here's a picture."

[/q
uote]

You forgot C/.
none of the above. Stone cold sober, the Spanish dancer has danced away for a while, and it aint that member
Thank you for that.....now who the hell is "Pate Biscuit"

cmlean · Post by **cmlean** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:12 pm

jacfan wrote:
What the hell is a ducktail haircut
The ducktail, also called the D.A. or duck butt, the style requires that you comb the hair back to the middle of the head, then with the end of a rattail comb, make a center part.

Something like a gelled mullet (maybe not after seeing the picture)

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:14 pm

or a mulled..........perhaps not

cmlean · Post by **cmlean** » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:18 pm

Those hair styles still appear on Saturday nights with the 50's revivalists jiving into Harry's Diner.