Jokes

[jacfan]

Now what the hell is a rattail comb ?

I cannot believe that I am teaching you about this...... You are either A/ drunk and not thinking or B/ drunk and thinking too much about a certain member that is not thinking about you.
I cannot believe that you are wasting your time mooning around over someone who doesn't have any interest in you. What about your friend the Spanish dancer? If you have a relationship with her, then why beat yourself up over you know who??
Anyway as Pate Biscuit would say... "and here's a picture."[/q
uote]

You forgot C/.
none of the above. Stone cold sober, the Spanish dancer has danced away for a while, and it aint that member
Thank you for that.....now who the hell is "Pate Biscuit"

I am sorry that your spanish dancer has departed. I must admit that I stunned that you do not know who Pate Biscuit was. Perhaps you did not watch the same shows as me. Anyway if you ever watched The Big Gig (years ago) Pate Biscuit was a Glynn Nicholas character. Very funny guy.
As for your unrequited love.... well what can I say??????? In my experience as a woman, she who shall remain nameless, is not going to give up and marry you just to stop you from annoying her. She is more likely to get more and more annoyed and totally ignore you.
Cheer up I am sure lots of people love you.......
Caution.... may contain traces of strawberry vodka.... Midori..... numerous white wines..... Dolcetto & Syrah....could contain other alcholic type products as well... and ummmmm Lindt chocolate.

[jacfan]

Room 302

A woman called a local hospital -- "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said "What is the patients name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, Room 302."

"I'll connect you to the nursing station".

"Third floor nursing station . How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is very well. In fact she had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on Tuesday."

The woman said " What a relief' Oh, that's fantastic.

That's wonderful news".

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it, you are a close family member, or are you a very close friend?"

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me

>s#$%"............

[jacfan]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

[Julian Mayo]

........................................................... Tis probably a true story (the hospital one)

[jacfan]

Now what the hell is a rattail comb ?

I cannot believe that I am teaching you about this...... You are either A/ drunk and not thinking or B/ drunk and thinking too much about a certain member that is not thinking about you.
I cannot believe that you are wasting your time mooning around over someone who doesn't have any interest in you. What about your friend the Spanish dancer? If you have a relationship with her, then why beat yourself up over you know who??
Anyway as Pate Biscuit would say... "and here's a picture."[/q
uote]

You forgot C/.
none of the above. Stone cold sober, the Spanish dancer has danced away for a while, and it aint that member
Thank you for that.....now who the hell is "Pate Biscuit"

Just realised that you said "ain't that member" Not sure what you mean by that.
Do you remember Pate Biscuit now?

[jacfan]

Gotta get to bed.......

[Julian Mayo]

I cannot believe that I am teaching you about this...... You are either A/ drunk and not thinking or B/ drunk and thinking too much about a certain member that is not thinking about you.
I cannot believe that you are wasting your time mooning around over someone who doesn't have any interest in you. What about your friend the Spanish dancer? If you have a relationship with her, then why beat yourself up over you know who??
Anyway as Pate Biscuit would say... "and here's a picture."[/q
uote]

You forgot C/.
none of the above. Stone cold sober, the Spanish dancer has danced away for a while, and it aint that member
Thank you for that.....now who the hell is "Pate Biscuit"

Just realised that you said "ain't that member" Not sure what you mean by that.


Do you remember Pate Biscuit now?

Yup

Southern Belle

[Julian Mayo]

Gotta get to bed.......

Sigh

[Julian Mayo]

Many years ago there was an AFl match between 2 country towns.
The visitors bus broke down on the way. It was fixed and they arrived 15 mins late, to find the home team sitting on the ground, at one end.
When asked the Home team Captain said, " The Umpys got sick of waiting and started the game. Trouble is, when we got it down our end, we kicked a point, and we have been waiting for you buggas to kick it back in".

[jacfan]

Just realised that you said "ain't that member" Not sure what you mean by that.


Do you remember Pate Biscuit now?

Yup

Southern Belle

That is great news.... barkeep .......barkeep..... Ooooops, gotta get to the bar and order a couple of mint juleps in honor of the southern belle.

[Julian Mayo]

Yup

Southern Belle

That is great news.... barkeep .......barkeep..... Ooooops, gotta get to the bar and order a couple of mint juleps in honor of the southern belle.

I will be right with you SB

[jacfan]

confused by being called SB..... is I the southern belle?


No must be a joke since it is in the joke section.

[Julian Mayo]

confused by being called SB..... is I the southern belle?


No must be a joke since it is in the joke section.

[jacfan]

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

[jacfan]

Great as humor, bad as ads...

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For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

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Great Dames for sale.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

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