jacfan wrote:
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Jokes
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Julian Mayo
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jacfan
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Amusing Irrelevant Facts
1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards. (It would be interesting to know what his credit limit was)
2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland. (Anyone for a toasted cheese sanger?)
4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. (I wonder what they call someone from there????? Apart from Canadian !!!!)
5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. (and probably 50% of the divorced people are teenagers too.)
6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. (No comment... LOL)
7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.
8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.
11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.
13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size.
15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock. (??????)
16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.
17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods. (Yummy microwave snacks!!)
18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal. (hmmmm)
19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot. (I have had a tooth embedded in my foot but it wasn't growing there.... ouch)
21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. (More impressive to make toast out of the Mona Lisa)
22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking. (Nice kitty)
23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald. (Only 96%??? What is wrong with the other 4%???????)
25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.
29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. (Faster than Michael Schumacher)
32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C. (Yeah that would put me off too.)
34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth. (Don't think that would do much for me)
38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died. (When is the funeral?)
39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. (Coffee? Must be a pseudonym
40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat. (Why? What if the goat doesn't want to get married?)
42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.
48. Every person has a unique tongue print.
49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. (
Guilty)
53. Bubble gum contains rubber.
54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. ( But I use deodorant.)
55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs. (so watch out if he steps on you
)
59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. (so do mothers-in-law)
60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh,
why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]
64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. (Bare or bear?)
69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. (I thought you could only do it once)
70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.
71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. (and so he didn't have any fronds..
)
73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991. (With good reason)
74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.
76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them are in Parma!]
77. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
79. Mosquitos have teeth.
80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards. (It would be interesting to know what his credit limit was)
2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland. (Anyone for a toasted cheese sanger?)
4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. (I wonder what they call someone from there????? Apart from Canadian !!!!)
5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. (and probably 50% of the divorced people are teenagers too.)
6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. (No comment... LOL)
7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.
8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.
11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.
13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size.
15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock. (??????)
16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.
17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods. (Yummy microwave snacks!!)
18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal. (hmmmm)
19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot. (I have had a tooth embedded in my foot but it wasn't growing there.... ouch)
21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. (More impressive to make toast out of the Mona Lisa)
22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking. (Nice kitty)
23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald. (Only 96%??? What is wrong with the other 4%???????)
25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.
29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. (Faster than Michael Schumacher)
32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C. (Yeah that would put me off too.)
34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth. (Don't think that would do much for me)
38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died. (When is the funeral?)
39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. (Coffee? Must be a pseudonym
40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat. (Why? What if the goat doesn't want to get married?)
42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.
46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.
48. Every person has a unique tongue print.
49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. (
Guilty)53. Bubble gum contains rubber.
54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. (
But I use deodorant.)55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs. (so watch out if he steps on you
)59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. (so do mothers-in-law)
60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh,
why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]
64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. (Bare or bear?)
69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. (I thought you could only do it once)
70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.
71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. (and so he didn't have any fronds..
)73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991. (With good reason)
74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.
76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them are in Parma!]
77. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
79. Mosquitos have teeth.
80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
Holy crap on a cracker! 
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
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Julian Mayo
- Forum Hall of Fame
- Posts: 15661
- Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:07 am
- Location: Tying the antenna to the tallest tree I can find.
Simians and I have two things in common.
I am definitely not an "average person"....what the hell do they with their minds for the rest of the day, when they only have so few sexual fantasies :
No wonder there is so much crime
If a certain part of me only grew taller by a 1/4 inch at night I would be very worried
I am definitely not an "average person"....what the hell do they with their minds for the rest of the day, when they only have so few sexual fantasies :
No wonder there is so much crime
If a certain part of me only grew taller by a 1/4 inch at night I would be very worried
The Mountain is a savage Mistress.
-
Julian Mayo
- Forum Hall of Fame
- Posts: 15661
- Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:07 am
- Location: Tying the antenna to the tallest tree I can find.
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Julian Mayo
- Forum Hall of Fame
- Posts: 15661
- Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:07 am
- Location: Tying the antenna to the tallest tree I can find.
-
jacfan
- Forum Legend
- Posts: 5546
- Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2006 11:24 pm
- Location: I come from the land down under!!
Now you're talkingJulian Mayo wrote:Yes'm, middlin warm, and would Mam prefer her back washed in a circular fashion, or on the diagonal ?jacfan wrote:I think I know how to have a shower .. cold or otherwise, but if I do forget I will let you know and you can let me know how to turn the taps on.
Ahhhhhh let's see... I think circular.
Nice soap.. warm water... nice big fluffy bath sheet and then a massage. Yes... nice. Holy crap on a cracker!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
-
Julian Mayo
- Forum Hall of Fame
- Posts: 15661
- Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:07 am
- Location: Tying the antenna to the tallest tree I can find.
NO NO NO !!!!jacfan wrote:Now you're talkingJulian Mayo wrote:Yes'm, middlin warm, and would Mam prefer her back washed in a circular fashion, or on the diagonal ?jacfan wrote:I think I know how to have a shower .. cold or otherwise, but if I do forget I will let you know and you can let me know how to turn the taps on.
Ahhhhhh let's see... I think circular.
First, 40 mins of massage, as dicussed previously (toe to crown etc)
then bath n fluff.
Then sleep, Dreamless sleep..
Then at midday, croissant, newspaper,coffee,
Massage............
..........................
................
.............. ...........
bath n fluffy stuff. 
The Mountain is a savage Mistress.
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jacfan
- Forum Legend
- Posts: 5546
- Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2006 11:24 pm
- Location: I come from the land down under!!
Sigh.......Julian Mayo wrote:NO NO NO !!!!jacfan wrote:Now you're talkingJulian Mayo wrote:
Yes'm, middlin warm, and would Mam prefer her back washed in a circular fashion, or on the diagonal ?
Ahhhhhh let's see... I think circular.
First, 40 mins of massage, as dicussed previously (toe to crown etc)
then bath n fluff.
Then sleep, Dreamless sleep..
Then at midday, croissant, newspaper,coffee,
Massage............
..........................
................
.............. ...........
Holy crap on a cracker!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
-
jacfan
- Forum Legend
- Posts: 5546
- Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2006 11:24 pm
- Location: I come from the land down under!!
Unfortunately could not take all your advice. However did catch a few 
Woke late and had shiatsu massage. Finally managed to get the two cats off my back, staggered to kitchen and made crumpets and coffee for breakfast. Not exactly what I was hoping 
Woke late and had shiatsu massage. Finally managed to get the two cats off my back, staggered to kitchen and made crumpets and coffee for breakfast. Not exactly what I was hoping Holy crap on a cracker!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
-
Julian Mayo
- Forum Hall of Fame
- Posts: 15661
- Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:07 am
- Location: Tying the antenna to the tallest tree I can find.
jacfan wrote:Unfortunately could not take all your advice. However did catch a few
I had crumpets n tea
Not exactly what I was hoping for either
The Mountain is a savage Mistress.
-
jacfan
- Forum Legend
- Posts: 5546
- Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2006 11:24 pm
- Location: I come from the land down under!!
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
Holy crap on a cracker!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
-
Julian Mayo
- Forum Hall of Fame
- Posts: 15661
- Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:07 am
- Location: Tying the antenna to the tallest tree I can find.
The lucky bugga !jacfan wrote:A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
The Mountain is a savage Mistress.
-
jacfan
- Forum Legend
- Posts: 5546
- Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2006 11:24 pm
- Location: I come from the land down under!!
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here
has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have
had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand
stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up
suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."
has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have
had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand
stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up
suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."
Holy crap on a cracker!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!
Number one idiot for 2007!!!!!
2008 Round of France winner!!! Wooooooohoooo!!!!!!
2010 Round of Britian winner!!!!!!