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Julian Mayo wrote:Fifty seven years ago, a man from South Carolina joined the Army.
On the first day the Army issued him with a comb, then the Army barber cut off all his hair.
On the second day, the Army issued him with a toothbrush, then the Army dentist yanked 7 of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him with a jockstrap.
The Army has been looking for that man for 57 years.

You are in fine form today my friend.

jacfan wrote:

Julian Mayo wrote:Fifty seven years ago, a man from South Carolina joined the Army.
On the first day the Army issued him with a comb, then the Army barber cut off all his hair.
On the second day, the Army issued him with a toothbrush, then the Army dentist yanked 7 of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him with a jockstrap.
The Army has been looking for that man for 57 years.

You are in fine form today my friend.

Name that virus

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Tech Support

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

one just for Julian
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

Sharing a Room in the Hospital

Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

jacfan wrote:one just for Julian
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

JACK............get Home.......NOW

I knew you would like that one. I know.... you like the way I think...

jacfan wrote:I knew you would like that one. I know.... you like the way I think...

I would share my last banana with your mind

From Wednesday night's Late Show with David Letterman.........the top ten things never before said by a NASCAR driver, courtesy of the ten contenders for the Nextel Cup this year......

10}Kasey Kahne, Evernham Mtrspts........"Anybody know how to drive a stick?"

9}Jeff Gordon, Hendrick Mtrspts.............."Does this gas taste funny to you?"

8}Jeff Burton, Richard Childress Racing...."I don't really car much for country music or beer."

7}Mark Martin, Roush Racing..................."Switch the 'r' and 'c' in racing and you get caring.

6}Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Dale Earnhardt Inc..."Wow....Letterman looks so young in person."

5}Denny Hamlin, Joe Gibbs Racing............"You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak."

4}Kyle Busch, Hendrick Mtrspts................."A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions....am I right, ladies?"

3}Kevin Harvick, Richard Childress Racing...."It would be nice if the guys in the pits would surprise me occasionally with a piece of carrot cake or something."

2}Jimmie Johnson, Hendrick Mtrpsts............"The Nextel Cup is great....but what I'm really excited for is the 'Late Show' Ventriloquist Week."

1}Matt Kenseth, Roush Racing....................."If you think I'm fast in my car....you should see me in the bedroom."

mlittle wrote:From Wednesday night's Late Show with David Letterman.........the top ten things never before said by a NASCAR driver, courtesy of the ten contenders for the Nextel Cup this year......

10}Kasey Kahne, Evernham Mtrspts........"Anybody know how to drive a stick?"

9}Jeff Gordon, Hendrick Mtrspts.............."Does this gas taste funny to you?"

8}Jeff Burton, Richard Childress Racing...."I don't really car much for country music or beer."

7}Mark Martin, Roush Racing..................."Switch the 'r' and 'c' in racing and you get caring.

6}Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Dale Earnhardt Inc..."Wow....Letterman looks so young in person."

5}Denny Hamlin, Joe Gibbs Racing............"You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak."

4}Kyle Busch, Hendrick Mtrspts................."A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions....am I right, ladies?"

3}Kevin Harvick, Richard Childress Racing...."It would be nice if the guys in the pits would surprise me occasionally with a piece of carrot cake or something."

2}Jimmie Johnson, Hendrick Mtrpsts............"The Nextel Cup is great....but what I'm really excited for is the 'Late Show' Ventriloquist Week."

1}Matt Kenseth, Roush Racing....................."If you think I'm fast in my car....you should see me in the bedroom."

How very true!!!

jacfan wrote:

mlittle wrote:From Wednesday night's Late Show with David Letterman.........the top ten things never before said by a NASCAR driver, courtesy of the ten contenders for the Nextel Cup this year......

10}Kasey Kahne, Evernham Mtrspts........"Anybody know how to drive a stick?"

9}Jeff Gordon, Hendrick Mtrspts.............."Does this gas taste funny to you?"

8}Jeff Burton, Richard Childress Racing...."I don't really car much for country music or beer."

7}Mark Martin, Roush Racing..................."Switch the 'r' and 'c' in racing and you get caring.

6}Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Dale Earnhardt Inc..."Wow....Letterman looks so young in person."

5}Denny Hamlin, Joe Gibbs Racing............"You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak."

4}Kyle Busch, Hendrick Mtrspts................."A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions....am I right, ladies?"

3}Kevin Harvick, Richard Childress Racing...."It would be nice if the guys in the pits would surprise me occasionally with a piece of carrot cake or something."

2}Jimmie Johnson, Hendrick Mtrpsts............"The Nextel Cup is great....but what I'm really excited for is the 'Late Show' Ventriloquist Week."

1}Matt Kenseth, Roush Racing....................."If you think I'm fast in my car....you should see me in the bedroom."

How very true!!!

You know Matt Kenseth that well

Julian Mayo wrote:

jacfan wrote:

mlittle wrote:From Wednesday night's Late Show with David Letterman.........the top ten things never before said by a NASCAR driver, courtesy of the ten contenders for the Nextel Cup this year......

10}Kasey Kahne, Evernham Mtrspts........"Anybody know how to drive a stick?"

9}Jeff Gordon, Hendrick Mtrspts.............."Does this gas taste funny to you?"

8}Jeff Burton, Richard Childress Racing...."I don't really car much for country music or beer."

7}Mark Martin, Roush Racing..................."Switch the 'r' and 'c' in racing and you get caring.

6}Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Dale Earnhardt Inc..."Wow....Letterman looks so young in person."

5}Denny Hamlin, Joe Gibbs Racing............"You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak."

4}Kyle Busch, Hendrick Mtrspts................."A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions....am I right, ladies?"

3}Kevin Harvick, Richard Childress Racing...."It would be nice if the guys in the pits would surprise me occasionally with a piece of carrot cake or something."

2}Jimmie Johnson, Hendrick Mtrpsts............"The Nextel Cup is great....but what I'm really excited for is the 'Late Show' Ventriloquist Week."

1}Matt Kenseth, Roush Racing....................."If you think I'm fast in my car....you should see me in the bedroom."

How very true!!!

You know Matt Kenseth that well

Jacfan, you're on your own here......

He went by a different name but I remember it ...... vaguely.

jacfan wrote:He went by a different name but I remember it ...... vaguely.