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Octopus Joke!


An octopus walks into a bar and says I'll bet I can play any instrument you give me....the 1st man gives him a guitar....he plays better than Hendrix...2nd man gives him a piano....he plays better than Elton...Jock gives him a set of bagpipes... the octopus fumbles for a minute and looks confused..Jock says.." see ye canny play it!"..octopus says "play it?..I'm going to make love to it once I get its pyjamas off!"

From Sunday night's Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain......

the first of what I'm betting will be many Juan Pablo Montoya/NASCAR jokes........

Before heading out onto the track, JPM asks Ganassi, "I hope the turns are marked. In F1, we just follow the red car......"

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first..

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?












Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Generous lawyer


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Maintenance Jokes......


In honor of pilots everywhere, here's a brief list of things that aircraft maintenance crews have written in response to various things over the years.........

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right!

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilots removed from aircraft.

Problem: Noise coming from #2 engine(sounds like man w/little hammer...)
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in engine #2.

Problem: Whining noise again found in #2 engine well.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in engine #2.

Problem: 3 bugs found in cabin.
Solution: 1 bug wounded, 1 bug dead, 1 bug deposited in crew galley.

Problem: Test flight OK, autolanding rough.
Solution: No autolanding systems installed on aircraft.

Things overheard on airplanes..........

No matter how many times any of us have to fly from one destination to another, sometimes you can indeed hear the strangest things.......

~~Hello and welcome to Alaska Airways Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, then you're about to have a very long evening.

~~In the event of a loss in cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. Please stick it over your face like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate but there is oxygen there, I promise you.

~~If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you have two or more children, please take a moment to decide which of them you love more. Help them first, and work your way to the others.

~~In the seat pocket in front of you there is a magazine for your reading enjoyment. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer because it makes a very good fan. Please take it out now and play with it.

~~Thank you for enjoying Continental Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us your business as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

~~When the plane reached its' crusing alititude, the pilot spoke over the intercom......"We've now reached crusing altitude of 36,000 feet, and I've now turned off the seat belt sign. I'm switching over to autopilot, too, so that I can come back there and chat with y'all during the course of our flight.

~~Upon landing, the pilot said, "We'd like to thank everyone onboard for flying with us this evening. And the next time you get the urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways".

On a flight to S.E.Asia with an American Airline some years ago, which takes about 7 hours to cross Australia, I heard the following from the pilot, 1 hour into the flight,
Good Afternoon, This is Captain.....blah blah blah.....for those of you with window seats, if you look outside you will see....... (mumbling in the cockpit).......Australia.

True Love.


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

jacfan wrote:True Love.


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

Gawd, I read this after replying to your pm

My real name is Jim I'm free........I'm free.........la la .......lalalala............ta da......dum de de.........

The things people read in the newspapers..........



Here are some examples of the strange, interesting and downright weird things one sees in the papers on occasion............

~~Will the sports writer who wrote this please turn in their laptop to the editor?..... Cardinals lead 3-1 in the Word Series.

~~Does this count as an understatement?............Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head

~~Mistaken body parts.........Headline......Alabama's Upchurch to undergo ankle surgery.....the first sentence goes, "Alabama running back Roy Upchurch will undergo season-ending knee surgery on his right ankle."

~~From the police blotter of the Ross Co. Sheriff's Department....."A vehicle on the 800 block of Hardin St. was scratched possibly with a pork chop between 4:15 and 4:52 pm."

~~Is this a misprint or what? The Iowa Dance Theatre presents......"The Nut Racker."

~~Finally......I don't know about you, but would you want to rent a boat from the following company? ........... Titanic Canoe Rentals.

If I was a sports writer living in Alabama, who had a 800lb ball dropped on my head, as I was examining the pork chop scatch on my car as I was about to drive to the Nut Racker suite, I would be very tempted to rent a canoe off them.......I mean what else could go wr........................

The Mink Coat

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
whispers,

"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

A joke for Snowy.....

Wittle Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

MLittle wrote:Problem: Test flight OK, autolanding rough.
Solution: No autolanding systems installed on aircraft.

Sounds vaguely familiar.......