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I won't mention Max again then :Doh:

Snowy wrote:Do always get that response when you mention Max?

yup

Snowy wrote:I won't mention Max again then :Doh:

<T-K> wrote:

Snowy wrote:I won't mention Max again then :Doh:

all the minions who take millions of $ a year , to do what Max say. Now they are the real jokes

The Best Headlines of 1998


I'm not sure what newspapers these come from though.....



>Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

>Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

>Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

>Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

>Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

>Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

>Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

>Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

>British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

>Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

>Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

>Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

>Miners Refuse to Work After Death

>Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

>Stolen Painting Found by Tree

>Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

>War Dims Hope for Peace

>If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

>Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

>Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

>New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

>Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

>Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

>Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

>Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Ok, Ok, These are actual comments left on the Kruger National park comment cards.....

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The hyena's made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

and my personal favourite.....

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

I want a tree that can find paintings, so do my dogs

Are these names descriptive, or what???

1}Anger Management} Dr. Richard Madden
2}Automotive} Wayne Schmuck
3}Climatologist} Elizabeth Weatherhead
4}Dentist/Orthodonist} Dr. Ravi Doctor, Kenneth Krowne, Anthony J. Puller, Randall Toothaker
5}Football Players} Quentin Jammer, Joey Goodspeed, Willie Thrower
6}Lawyers} Jeffrey Advokat
7}Lobbyists} Robert Cashdollar
8}Novelists} Francine Prose
9}Office Supplier} Dean Boring
10}Poker Champions} Chris Moneymaker
11}Police Officers} John Lawless
12}Psychologists/Psychiatrists} Dr. Jules Angst, Ellen Winner, William Dement
13}Racecar Drivers} Scott Goodyear, Scott Speed
14}Risk Management} John C. Chicken
15}Spokespersons} Tony Snow, Larry Speakes

Yup, I used to take my dogs to a vet called Dr Wildgoose.
My ex went to an Obstets Dr by the name of Dr Richard D ick

UPCOMING MARRIAGE

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me: her beautiful younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less.
One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister. Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me."
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. At the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Two pilots enter a crowded passenger aircraft and make their way to the cockpit. One is using a guide dog, the other is tapping his way with a white cane.
Nervous laughter breaks out at this practical joke.
The aircraft taxis out and gets to full throttle along the runway.
Screams break out in the cabin as the water at runways edge races into view.
At the last second the aircraft gracefully soars aloft
One pilot turns to the other and says
"One day, Bob, they are gunna scream too late, and we are all gunna die".

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

After having their 13th child an Australian couple go see their doctor about a vasectomy.
The Doctor says no I'm catholic, I can't do that.....but take this big fire-cracker home, take your clothes off, light the fuse and hold it by your ear Thommo, then count to ten.
Bewildered, and very much in doubt, the couple go home.
Thommo goes upstairs, strips, lights the fuse, counts 1 2 3 4 5 , puts the cracker between his legs so he can count 6 7 8 9 .........BOOM