Jokes

[Julian Mayo]

That is actually an urban myth. Sex when you have a headache is good as sex releases endorphins which help get rid of the headache.

Which part is the myth jacfan? That women are good at multitasking?

No... the myth is about avoiding sex because of a headache. Good sex releases endorphins which are pleasurable and can take away the pain. It can also relieve stress and once again ... there goes the headache. However it will not help if you/your wife/GF has a migraine.
Hope that is of some help to you.
BTW JM you have a new GF??? You sneaky thing.

just a temporary arrangement, of mutual benefit

[jacfan]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.

Have a nice day."

[jacfan]

Ah the new year has started an no one has posted any jokes yet... so here is my contribution.
Hope they give you a chuckle.

Deer Hunters

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky."
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

[jacfan]

I seem to be on a bit of a roll so here is

Moose Hunters

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to "brace yourself!"

[jacfan]

Someone sent me these sports quotes...

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[jacfan]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while
a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring!!!!

[Julian Mayo]

A woman rings her boss on Monday morning, and say
"I cant come to work, I have a bad case of Anal Myopia."
What the hell is that? " says her boss.
Says she" I cant see my a#%& getting out of bed today"

[jacfan]

A woman rings her boss on Monday morning, and say
"I cant come to work, I have a bad case of Anal Myopia."
What the hell is that? " says her boss.
Says she" I cant see my a#%& getting out of bed today"

[mlittle]

Recently my nephew, Chris, who's begun applying to several medical schools in the Southeast, told me over Christmas some very interesting(...and somewhat twisted....... ) legends that've been passed down through medical school involving various unattached body parts.......

Cases in point.............
~~Medical students carrying off a corpse's hand, then going to a bus stop, and boarding said bus, extending the hand with the fare in it to the driver......
~~Taking a cadaver arm to the toll booth.....student w/arm stops at toll booth, extends toll in arm's hand to the toll booth attendant, then takes off, leaving attendant with both toll fare and cadaver arm.......
~~Med student stands at urinal supposedly taking a leak; when another man stands in the adjacent urinal, med student rips off his -----, flinging it into urinal while declaring...."It never did work anyway." before walking away......
~~Med students wire cadaver head for sound, allowing it to make personal comments to anyone walking by......
~~Med students wire cadavers w/electrodes which cause it to jump, shake and start whenver anyone turns the lights on in the dissection room...

[mlittle]

From the "Unclear Concepts" file..........

Recently, National Public Radio(NPR) broadcast a story about the rising numbers of prison inmates across the U.S. who've come into possession of cell phones(which are illegal for them to possess WHILE in prison.....) and how bad the problem was.....it's so bad that, in one infamous case in Texas, the head of the state's corrections department was called by the mother of a Texas inmate who called home to complain about the abominable cell-phone receptions inside the prison......

In the Arizona Republic there was a recent article about one of the strangest things that shoplifters are stealing......condoms. In fact, it's gotten to the point where many pharmacies and drug stores are locking the ....... behind glass cases....however, as the story points out, most of those purchases are made low-key, which can result in sometimes embarrasing ancedote....case in point: an incident at a CVS pharmacy where a clerk, assisting a customer, shouted repeatedly, "Who's got the key to the condoms?"

[jacfan]

Recently my nephew, Chris, who's begun applying to several medical schools in the Southeast, told me over Christmas some very interesting(...and somewhat twisted....... ) legends that've been passed down through medical school involving various unattached body parts.......

Cases in point.............
~~Medical students carrying off a corpse's hand, then going to a bus stop, and boarding said bus, extending the hand with the fare in it to the driver......
~~Taking a cadaver arm to the toll booth.....student w/arm stops at toll booth, extends toll in arm's hand to the toll booth attendant, then takes off, leaving attendant with both toll fare and cadaver arm.......
~~Med student stands at urinal supposedly taking a leak; when another man stands in the adjacent urinal, med student rips off his -----, flinging it into urinal while declaring...."It never did work anyway." before walking away......
~~Med students wire cadaver head for sound, allowing it to make personal comments to anyone walking by......
~~Med students wire cadavers w/electrodes which cause it to jump, shake and start whenver anyone turns the lights on in the dissection room...

Yet somewhat bizarre fun.

[jacfan]

From the "Unclear Concepts" file..........

Recently, National Public Radio(NPR) broadcast a story about the rising numbers of prison inmates across the U.S. who've come into possession of cell phones(which are illegal for them to possess WHILE in prison.....) and how bad the problem was.....it's so bad that, in one infamous case in Texas, the head of the state's corrections department was called by the mother of a Texas inmate who called home to complain about the abominable cell-phone receptions inside the prison......

In the Arizona Republic there was a recent article about one of the strangest things that shoplifters are stealing......condoms. In fact, it's gotten to the point where many pharmacies and drug stores are locking the ....... behind glass cases....however, as the story points out, most of those purchases are made low-key, which can result in sometimes embarrasing ancedote....case in point: an incident at a CVS pharmacy where a clerk, assisting a customer, shouted repeatedly, "Who's got the key to the condoms?"

Hmmm could put you off purchasing the required protection.

[Julian Mayo]

Wman steals a can of peaches, gets caught.
Appears before the Judge.
"Why did you steal a can of peaches, " says he
"Cos I was hungry" says she
"How many peaches in the can?" says he
"six", says she
"six days jail", says he

Her Husband stands up, and begs to address the Judge.
"Granted" says the Judge,
"Your Honour", says he,
"She also stole a can of peas".

[jacfan]

[GhoGho]

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her
oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the
church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for
the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God,
how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."