Jokes

[jacfan]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The

mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly

dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother

finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter

asks her mother,

> "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?," to which

the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come

home from work."

>

> The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,

"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out

loud. They're hookers!"

>

> A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy,

do the ladies have any children?"

>

> The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come

from?"

[mlittle]

The Obstinate Lighthouse..............

Back in the mid-1990's this joke began to make the rounds of radio talk-shows and eventually found its' way onto the Internets, involving a United States naval vessel and a Canadian lighthouse.

USN: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CAN: Recommend you divert YOUR course about 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision

USN: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy vessel. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CAN: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.

USN: This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three crusiers and numerous support vessels. I order you to divert your course 15 degrees north. That's one-five degrees north or countermeasures will be taken to ensure the safety of the ship.

CAN: This is a lighthouse; your call.

[jacfan]

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

[jacfan]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[jacfan]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of
others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you
in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this
old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk,
the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d#$%," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and
said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that.


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of
people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could
embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

[Julian Mayo]

True story:
I recently found my self without a wife........I know.............I should remember where I leave things........Was asked out by another woman.
My teen said, remember safe sex Dad.....(she gets her new teeth tomorrow),
Went to the All Night Chemist a fair way from home, arriving at 9pm.
There was a lady with a baby in a pram, a teen male, two teen females in a seperate aisle, an elderly gent at the battery section, and a middle aged couple, mooching around. The Lady behind the counter was in her fifties.
I went to the Condom section............Well I have never actually measured Old Thomas....There were no packs with a free "Try Me for Size", .....I didn't know the Lady I was meeting....was she a peach, strawberry, ripple, "buzz",
Size was still uppermost in my mind........
I called out..........."does anyone here know about condoms?"
Twenty seconds later, the Lady with the kid in a pram n me were the only customers, and I had a feeling she wasn't going to be much help.

[jacfan]

True story:
I recently found my self without a wife........I know.............I should remember where I leave things........Was asked out by another woman.
My teen said, remember safe sex Dad.....(she gets her new teeth tomorrow),
Went to the All Night Chemist a fair way from home, arriving at 9pm.
There was a lady with a baby in a pram, a teen male, two teen females in a seperate aisle, an elderly gent at the battery section, and a middle aged couple, mooching around. The Lady behind the counter was in her fifties.
I went to the Condom section............Well I have never actually measured Old Thomas....There were no packs with a free "Try Me for Size", .....I didn't know the Lady I was meeting....was she a peach, strawberry, ripple, "buzz",
Size was still uppermost in my mind........
I called out..........."does anyone here know about condoms?"
Twenty seconds later, the Lady with the kid in a pram n me were the only customers, and I had a feeling she wasn't going to be much help.

[mlittle]

The things people read in the newspapers, part 3......

Here are some more things that slipped past the copy editors......

~~You know, kids just grow up so fast these days.............a recent article in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer was entitled, "Cleveland Intermediate Students Join Mile High Club"

~~Another confusing grocery ad........Special Value REFRIED sugar, 4 lbs., $1.69. Just think, its' not fried sugar......it's REFRIED sugar!

~~Classified ad...........Phonics Reading Set, sell for $90; costed $200. So, it costed what???

~~I'm starting to wonder why people are becoming vegetarians...........Boneless Face Rump Roast, $2.19/lb.. You know, if they can't tell your face from your rump.......

~~Apparently, they don't teach parenting skills anymore......"West Bath Rd. resident was arrested on three counts of child endangerment after she allegedly used her three children as traffic pylons to practice her driving skills with."

[Julian Mayo]

There are days when I would cheerfully use my three as bumper bars

[jacfan]

The things people read in the newspapers, part 3......

Here are some more things that slipped past the copy editors......

~~You know, kids just grow up so fast these days.............a recent article in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer was entitled, "Cleveland Intermediate Students Join Mile High Club"

~~Another confusing grocery ad........Special Value REFRIED sugar, 4 lbs., $1.69. Just think, its' not fried sugar......it's REFRIED sugar!

~~Classified ad...........Phonics Reading Set, sell for $90; costed $200. So, it costed what???

~~I'm starting to wonder why people are becoming vegetarians...........Boneless Face Rump Roast, $2.19/lb.. You know, if they can't tell your face from your rump.......

~~Apparently, they don't teach parenting skills anymore......"West Bath Rd. resident was arrested on three counts of child endangerment after she allegedly used her three children as traffic pylons to practice her driving skills with."

Perhaps you could sprinkle the refried sugar over the face rump roast and have baked refried sugar roast face rump or something like that....I think I need a lie down after that. Kids in the mile high club... wow even I am not a member of that.

[mlittle]

The things people read in the newspapers, part 3......

Here are some more things that slipped past the copy editors......

~~You know, kids just grow up so fast these days.............a recent article in the Cleveland Plain-Dealer was entitled, "Cleveland Intermediate Students Join Mile High Club"

~~Another confusing grocery ad........Special Value REFRIED sugar, 4 lbs., $1.69. Just think, its' not fried sugar......it's REFRIED sugar!

~~Classified ad...........Phonics Reading Set, sell for $90; costed $200. So, it costed what???

~~I'm starting to wonder why people are becoming vegetarians...........Boneless Face Rump Roast, $2.19/lb.. You know, if they can't tell your face from your rump.......

~~Apparently, they don't teach parenting skills anymore......"West Bath Rd. resident was arrested on three counts of child endangerment after she allegedly used her three children as traffic pylons to practice her driving skills with."

Perhaps you could sprinkle the refried sugar over the face rump roast and have baked refried sugar roast face rump or something like that....I think I need a lie down after that. Kids in the mile high club... wow even I am not a member of that.

The thing about the Cleveland article was this......which do you think was worse....the reaction of the parents when they read that headline, or the kids' classmates reaction when they read the headline?

[jacfan]

Parents now in therapy ... and I don't mean Julian's car...for "where did we go wrong?" and kids now coolest kids in school!!!!

[cmlean]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny
breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your
chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew
terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the
bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite
the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her.
"By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[cmlean]

A large charity organisation realized that it had never received a donation from a very successful lawyer. A volunteer visited the lawyer in his lavish office. She opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over four million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness, and that she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the charity representative mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."The stricken volunteer begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of who is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The representative, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[jacfan]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.""And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?""We use it for sex."The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke !!!!!!



SICK-OOOS!!!