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Think before you speak...


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and

three kids in tow and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."



THIRD TESTIMONY:



My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY :



While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as

the door closed behind me,

were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,

and I don't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!



Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,

and remember...

we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak.

jacfan wrote:Think before you speak...


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and

three kids in tow and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:



I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."



THIRD TESTIMONY:



My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY :



While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

said in a voice just as threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as

the door closed behind me,

were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,

and I don't have any clean clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!



Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,

and remember...

we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak.

There is a drink at the Idiots bar, jacfan, with your name on it... ....here's another example of what can happen when someone has an open shot at saying something....interesting. Case in point: we all remember what Neil Armstrong said when he walked on the moon back in 1969, but people still say NASA "told" him to say what he did. Anyway, prior to the launch of Apollo 12, mission commander Pete Conrad was asked by Italian journalist Oriana Fallaci about that, and he made a bet with her that when he stepped on the lunar surface, he would say something original. Well, he won the bet......when he and fellow astronaut Alan Bean landed in the Ocean of Storms in Intrepid, Conrad's words upon the lunar surface were........

"WHOOPIE!! Man, that may have been a small one for Neil, but it's a long one for me." To this day, there's still some who think Conrad was on an oxygen high when he said that.........

Why thank you Stuart... Hope you will join me in a quick drink.

Two blondes walk into a building..........

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Two brunettes walk into a post-office,
they were too busy laughing at the blondes.

Some oldies but goodies!!!



Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
*********
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
A guy walks into the psychiatrist! wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
*********
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
**********
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before
**********
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
**********
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
**********
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find
any.
**********
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
**********
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive

A Methodist minister was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, the drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a dark rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said : "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

What's the difference between an Aussie bowler, and an inner tube???
An inner tube rises under pressure.

cmlean wrote:A Methodist minister was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, the drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a dark rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said : "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Julian Mayo wrote:What's the difference between an Aussie bowler, and an inner tube???
An inner tube rises under pressure.

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete,
> and KC. As they start to descend, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and
> is killed instantly.
>
> As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, dang, someone
> should go and tell his wife."
>
> KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I'll do it."
>
> Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
>
> Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
>
> "Cooter's wife give it to me," KC replies.
>
> "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
> gave you beer?"
>
> Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to
> her, You must be Cooter's widow."
>
> She said, "'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I said 'I'll
> bet you a case of Budweiser you are!'"
>
>
>
> Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
>

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day, so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his
forehead.



Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!!

Our Irish Friends


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

An Irish priest is driving down to New Yorkand gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to..."

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, "I've been expecting you."

Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know that babies are my specialty?"

Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the Living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there. "

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed With that."

Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well -- when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, Um...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

jacfan wrote:Our Irish Friends


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

An Irish priest is driving down to New Yorkand gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

As a Mayo from County Mayoh, all I can say is,