Jokes

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sun May 13, 2007 10:37 pm

'THAT SUCKS'

Two little boys are sitting watching TV in the living room with their
parents. The Mother looks over at the Father with a wink and a nod towards
upstairs. The Mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs
for a minute , you two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?

The two boys nod ok and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know whats going on now and he
gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs , he peeps into his Mum & Dads bedroom and shakes
his head........

Back downstairs he goes to his younger brother - Come with me he says. And
the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Halfway up , the
older brother turns to his younger brother and says "Now I want you to keep
in mind, this is the same woman who used to smack our arses if we sucked our
thumb.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sun May 13, 2007 10:39 pm

The Nail

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher
says to
Amy,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's
stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks
on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is
the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this
is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I
guess it's to hang your pants on."

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Sat May 26, 2007 10:01 am

More Newspaper Humor............

~~You know, they should fire all the newspaper copy editors......case in point, an educational ad for a New Hampshire school touted math skills their students learned, such as......Nine plus five equals thirteen.... NO you morons, it equals 14.

~~This sounds like an interesting product.......RV Odor Eliminator Candle.....comes in scents such as honeydew, jasmine.....and motor oil. Ahh, nothing smells better than motor oil, hmm?

~~Here's an interesting ad........For sale: potty chair, solid oak, light brown stain.... Gee, I wonder how that got there?

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat May 26, 2007 11:18 am

mlittle wrote:More Newspaper Humor............

~~You know, they should fire all the newspaper copy editors......case in point, an educational ad for a New Hampshire school touted math skills their students learned, such as......Nine plus five equals thirteen.... NO you morons, it equals 14.

~~This sounds like an interesting product.......RV Odor Eliminator Candle.....comes in scents such as honeydew, jasmine.....and motor oil. Ahh, nothing smells better than motor oil, hmm?

~~Here's an interesting ad........For sale: potty chair, solid oak, light brown stain.... Gee, I wonder how that got there?

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat May 26, 2007 11:29 am

[quote="mlittle"

~~This sounds like an interesting product.......RV Odor Eliminator Candle.....comes in scents such as honeydew, jasmine.....and motor oil. Ahh, nothing smells better than motor oil, hmm?

:[/quote]

CASTROL R

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Sat May 26, 2007 11:33 am

Julian Mayo wrote:
mlittle wrote:
~~This sounds like an interesting product.......RV Odor Eliminator Candle.....comes in scents such as honeydew, jasmine.....and motor oil. Ahh, nothing smells better than motor oil, hmm?

:
CASTROL R

No, not Castrol R........Pennzoil Platinum!!!

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat May 26, 2007 12:13 pm

mlittle wrote:
Julian Mayo wrote:
mlittle wrote:
~~This sounds like an interesting product.......RV Odor Eliminator Candle.....comes in scents such as honeydew, jasmine.....and motor oil. Ahh, nothing smells better than motor oil, hmm?

:
CASTROL R
No, not Castrol R........Pennzoil Platinum!!!

Nah, it lacks that heady, aromatic, speed infusing, wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth, skin on the gravel, body on the stretcher, light n sirens poignancy of Castrol R

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Sat May 26, 2007 12:14 pm

Julian Mayo wrote:
mlittle wrote:
Julian Mayo wrote:
CASTROL R
No, not Castrol R........Pennzoil Platinum!!!
Nah, it lacks that heady, aromatic, speed infusing, wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth, skin on the gravel, body on the stretcher, light n sirens poignancy of Castrol R

I forgot......Platinum's for those hair-raising, 220mph+ moments at the Brickyard.....speakin' of which, who do ya' think's going to win the 500?

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat May 26, 2007 12:20 pm

mlittle wrote:
Julian Mayo wrote:
mlittle wrote:
No, not Castrol R........Pennzoil Platinum!!!
Nah, it lacks that heady, aromatic, speed infusing, wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth, skin on the gravel, body on the stretcher, light n sirens poignancy of Castrol R
I forgot......Platinum's for those hair-raising, 220mph+ moments at the Brickyard.....speakin' of which, who do ya' think's going to win the 500?

Dixon
Patrick
Briscoe

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Sat May 26, 2007 12:22 pm

Julian Mayo wrote:
mlittle wrote:
Julian Mayo wrote:
Nah, it lacks that heady, aromatic, speed infusing, wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth, skin on the gravel, body on the stretcher, light n sirens poignancy of Castrol R
I forgot......Platinum's for those hair-raising, 220mph+ moments at the Brickyard.....speakin' of which, who do ya' think's going to win the 500?
Dixon
Patrick
Briscoe

Here's my pick for the 500...........
GO DANICA!!!!

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat May 26, 2007 7:49 pm

Ok I will bite..... how 'bout Ryan Briscoe for my tip.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:02 pm

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of
laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said "wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex".The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.."

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:04 pm

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road,
where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please
Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY
later."The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came
running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by
here??"The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared,
the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank
you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."The nun said, "I
think I can fully understand your fear."The soldier added, "I hope you
don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:05 pm

A phone call from Ernesto……….

"Hello, Kaptain Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at you country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor that your dog died."
"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor.
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? W hat dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart"
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto,,,,,,,,,,,if you broke that driver - you're in deep s#$%!"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Thu May 31, 2007 11:11 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole
in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes
flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman
stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see
if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my
flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper and each time some guy sticks his old fella through the
bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."