Jokes

[jacfan]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.


To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

[jacfan]

Grandpa explains s*x:

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, 'Grampa, what is s*x'?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, 'Why did you ask this question honey'?

The little girl replied, 'Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a couple of secs'.

[jacfan]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed
the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with
them
to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with
them.

She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot
where
the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: 'Do you men know
Jesus
Christ?'

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers
looked
up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?'

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'

[jacfan]

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, 'What are ya up to, Mate?'
'Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie.'
'Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?'
'Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought.'

[mlittle]

From the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.....................

.........I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona 'cause my manager doesn't own a globe. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. The plane was really small, like a pack of gum with eight people in in and the engine's going Pbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh!!!!. On the way there, we lost oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a nine-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid of 'em because they coulda just went (looks backward). "Hey, we just lost some oil pressure..... "Heard ya'! Sure did!" I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, 'take it down, I don't care.....Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this wreck.' Now, the guy sitting next to me is losing his mind; apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says (gasping for air), "Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, (gasping for more air), how far will the other take us? So I was like, "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed! I'll bet 'ya we'll beat the paramedics there by a half-hour......We're haulin --- now!!!!



The moral of this story.................you can fix a lot of things in life, but..........You can't fix stupid!!........which prefectly describes the pilot and freaked-out passenger in this bit of humor.

[Julian Mayo]

From the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.....................

.........I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona 'cause my manager doesn't own a globe. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. The plane was really small, like a pack of gum with eight people in in and the engine's going Pbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh!!!!. On the way there, we lost oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a nine-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid of 'em because they coulda just went (looks backward). "Hey, we just lost some oil pressure..... "Heard ya'! Sure did!" I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, 'take it down, I don't care.....Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this wreck.' Now, the guy sitting next to me is losing his mind; apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says (gasping for air), "Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, (gasping for more air), how far will the other take us? So I was like, "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed! I'll bet 'ya we'll beat the paramedics there by a half-hour......We're haulin --- now!!!!



The moral of this story.................you can fix a lot of things in life, but..........You can't fix stupid!!........which prefectly describes the pilot and freaked-out passenger in this bit of humor.

So THATS where the Pessna got to

[mlittle]

From the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.....................

.........I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona 'cause my manager doesn't own a globe. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. The plane was really small, like a pack of gum with eight people in in and the engine's going Pbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh!!!!. On the way there, we lost oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a nine-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid of 'em because they coulda just went (looks backward). "Hey, we just lost some oil pressure..... "Heard ya'! Sure did!" I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, 'take it down, I don't care.....Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this wreck.' Now, the guy sitting next to me is losing his mind; apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says (gasping for air), "Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, (gasping for more air), how far will the other take us? So I was like, "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed! I'll bet 'ya we'll beat the paramedics there by a half-hour......We're haulin --- now!!!!



The moral of this story.................you can fix a lot of things in life, but..........You can't fix stupid!!........which prefectly describes the pilot and freaked-out passenger in this bit of humor.

So THATS where the Pessna got to

Yep.................and that would explain why Pessna Mk.2 has flak jackets, helmets, rear parachutes, reverse brakes, and all sorts of in-flight drinks....

[Julian Mayo]

From the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.....................

.........I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona 'cause my manager doesn't own a globe. We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. The plane was really small, like a pack of gum with eight people in in and the engine's going Pbbbbbbtttttthhhhhhh!!!!. On the way there, we lost oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a nine-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid of 'em because they coulda just went (looks backward). "Hey, we just lost some oil pressure..... "Heard ya'! Sure did!" I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, 'take it down, I don't care.....Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this wreck.' Now, the guy sitting next to me is losing his mind; apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says (gasping for air), "Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, (gasping for more air), how far will the other take us? So I was like, "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy 'cause that's where we're headed! I'll bet 'ya we'll beat the paramedics there by a half-hour......We're haulin --- now!!!!



The moral of this story.................you can fix a lot of things in life, but..........You can't fix stupid!!........which prefectly describes the pilot and freaked-out passenger in this bit of humor.

So THATS where the Pessna got to

Yep.................and that would explain why Pessna Mk.2 has flak jackets, helmets, rear parachutes, reverse brakes, and all sorts of in-flight drinks....

Bandaids?

[Julian Mayo]

The FIA.

[mlittle]

The FIA.

That, too..........

[Julian Mayo]

The FIA.

That, too..........

Yeah, and the joke is on us, the paying public.

[mlittle]

The FIA.

That, too..........

Yeah, and the joke is on us, the paying public.

Unfortunately........

[cmlean]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could ecome,asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary,” said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say, 'F*ck', the rottweiler ate him!"

[Julian Mayo]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could ecome,asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary,” said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say, 'F*ck', the rottweiler ate him!"

I am leaving Australia before a certain person reads your joke

...............

[cmlean]

I'm keeping my head down.