Jokes

[jacfan]

Some of these are hilarious.

What Is A Grandparent?
>
> (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
>
> Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
> own. They like other people's.
>
> A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!
>
> Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
> see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good
> if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
>
> When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
> leaves and caterpillars.
>
> They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also
> why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
>
> They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
>
> Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
>
> They wear glasses and funny underwear.
>
> They can take their teeth and gums out.
>
> Grandparents don't have to be smart.
>
> They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How
> come dogs chase cats?'
>
> When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
> the same story over again.
>
> Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
> have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend
> time with us.
>
> They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers
> with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
>
> A 6 year old was asked where Grandma lived. ''oh,'' he said, ''she
> lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. then when
> we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''
>
> Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! he teaches me good things but i
> don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
>
> It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their
> dog.'
>
> for all the grandparents out there, and the just plain nosey too.
>
>

[mlittle]

’Computer Illiterate’


Compaq is considering changing the command ’Press Any Key’ to ’Press Return Key’ because of the flood of calls asking where the ’Any’ key is.


AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failure to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.


Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.


A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.


Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything, After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the ’send’ key.


Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was ’bad and an invalid’. The tech explained that the computer’s ’bad command’ and ’invalid’ responses shouldn’t be taken personally.


An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, ’I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.’ The ’foot pedal’ turned out to be the computer’s mouse.


Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked ’What power switch?’


True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop:


Caller: ’Hello, is this Tech Support?’

Tech Rep: ’Yes, it is. How may I help you?’

Caller: ’The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?’

Tech Rep: ’I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?’

Caller: ’Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.’

Tech Rep: ’Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?’

Caller: ’It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotion. It just has ’4X’ on it.’

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

[mlittle]

Warranty Card on Purchased Government Official


Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official.

With regular maintenance your Government Official should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

___ President
___ Vice-President
___ Senator
___ Congressman
___ Governor
___ Cabinet Secretary -- Commerce
___ Cabinet Secretary -- Other
___ Other Elected Official (please specify) _________
___ Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________

2. How did you hear about your Government Official?
Please check all that apply

___ TV ad.
___ Magazine/newspaper ad.
___ Shared jail cell with.
___ Former law partner of.
___ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
___ Arkansas crony of.
___ Procured for.
___ Related to.
___ Recommended by lobbyist.
___ Recommended by organized crime figure.
___ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (On Internet).
___ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (Elsewhere).
___ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
___ Solicited bribe from me.
___ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official?
Please check all that apply

___ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
___ Have my prejudices turned into law.
___ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
___ Obtain trade concessions.
___ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
___ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
___ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
___ Forestall military action against self / allies.
___ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors / targets for future conquest.
___ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
___ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
___ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.
___ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase?
Please check all that apply

___ Performance of currently owned model.
___ Reputation.
___ Price.
___ Appearance.
___ Party affiliation.
___ Professed beliefs of Government Official.
___ Actual beliefs of Government Official.
___ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
___ Blackmail.
___ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official? ______

If you answered "Yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

___ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
___ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
___ Defect in current model:


___ Dead.
___ Senile.
___ Indicted.
___ Convicted.
___ Resigned in disgrace.
___ Switched parties / beliefs.
___ Outbribed by competing interest.


Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a Government Official you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

[mlittle]

~~What's Politics?

One evening a small boy comes home confused and concerned. His father enquires as to his problem, where upon the boy looks up to his father, and very matter-of-factly asks "What's politics, Dad?"

"Well you see it is like this son; your mother, she is like the government, she controls everything. You have to do what you are told and have little say in anything, so you are the people. I earn the money, so I represent capitalism. Your nanny, she is the worker, and she represents the workers, meanwhile your little brother is the future. Does that make it clearer?"

The boy wanders away and thinks about it. Later that night the boy wakes up to hear his little brother crying. He goes to see what has happened and finds that he has made a mess in his nappy. Upon learning this he goes to tell his mother. When he gets there he finds that his mother is asleep and can't be woken. His father is not there, instead he see through the door in his nanny's room that his Father is in bed with the Nanny. Finally, seeing that nothing can be done, he goes back to sleep.

The next morning at breakfast his father asks if he understood politics.

"I think so Dad - they way I see it, the government is ignoring the people, capitalism is screwing the workers, and the future is in the crapper."

[mlittle]

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

[mlittle]

19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn

By Dave Barry...



1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.

[mlittle]

Pictures do say a thousand words.......

[mlittle]

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s......... told you I was speeding, too!

[mlittle]

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8] SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18] DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

[mlittle]

[mlittle]

.. Rules of Gun Fighting
(Marines; Army; Navy; Air Force)


USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring their friends who have guns.
2. If you can, make friends with those on the crew served weapons. Bring them as well. Borrow money from them, it gives them an added incentive to protect you.
3. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
4. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
5. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
6. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
7. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
8. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
9. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating (calling for arty or air support), reloading, and running.
10. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
11. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
12. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
13. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
14. Have a plan.
15. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
16. Have a back-up, back-up plan in case CentCom or SecDef finds the first two plans "unacceptable".
17. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The only visible target should be in your gun sights.
18. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flank.
19. Don't drop your guard.
20. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
21. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
22. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
23. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
24. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
25. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
26. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
27. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4."


Army Rules for Gun Fighting

1. See USMC Rules to gun Fighting.
2. Add 60 to 90 days.
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance.


Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
2. Send in the Marines.
3. Drink Coffee and eat donuts.


Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting

1. Kiss the wife goodbye.
2. Drive to the base in your sports car.
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, (try not to hit the Canuks) fly back to your home base.
4. BBQ some burgers and drink beer in your back yard, and talk s#$% about the Navy, Army and Marines.

[GhoGho]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

[mlittle]

Even though, thankfully, George W. Bush is no longer President of the United States, some of his quotes give you the thought that, maybe, just maybe, he skated through school on his way through life................

I'm going to tell you what I really think is going to happen over time is technology is going to change the way we live for the good for the environment. That's why I proposed a hydrogen automobile — hydrogen-generated automobile. We're spending 1 billion dollars to come up with the technologies to do that.

............are "hydrogen-generated automobiles" actually made from hydrogen? That would be quite a vehicle. Second Presidential Debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.

.......Dubya doing a sterling job of belittling war and parenting at the same time, while also backhandedly manufacturing a war record for himself out of thin air, Jan. 27, 2002

We're givin' this young democracy the chance. It's in our interest to do so — because, as John Howard accurately noted when he went to thank the Austrian troops there last year.

...........The White House chose to inaccurately note in its transcript that Dubya said "Australian", but indeed he said "Austrian"... Sydney, Australia, Sep. 7, 2007

I appreciate the Prime Minister's answer to this lad — we call them lads, in Great Britain.

Dubya claims British citizenship for himself, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006

Wow, Brazil is big.

...........Dubya's reaction upon being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva. You almost get the feeling that Dubya just learned this fact. Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

But we've got a big border in Texas, with Mexico, obviously — and we've got a big border with Canada — Arizona is affected.

............No matter how you slice it, this statement is geographically challenged, Washington, D.C., Jun. 24, 2004

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

In press conference with Canadian PM, and apparently forgetting about the country wedged between Canada and Mexico, Washington, D.C., Sep. 24, 2001

Brownie, you're doin' a heck of a job.

..........Dubya's comment to FEMA Director Michael Brown, who presided over what was arguably the worst ever performance by FEMA in an emergency situation, Mobile, Alabama, Sep. 2, 2005

I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That's a pretty cool first name, isn't it, Mayo. Pass the Mayo. His wife, Molly, appreciated that.

...........In case you were wondering if Dubya had any frat boy left in him, here's your answer. Lusby, Maryland, Jun. 22, 2005

[jacfan]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .





'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[mlittle]

You might be a firefighter if:


* You can tell what type of fire it is by the smell of smoke 10 miles away.
* You lay out your clothes from that day so if there is a call at night you can find them quickly.
* You have ever been airborne without an aircraft and water was your thrust.
* You carry a ton of specially modified tools in your pocket that would rival a Swiss army set.
* You've ever clung to the air horn chord for dear life because the driver is insane.
* You have ever played jingle bells at Xmas time on the air horns to clear traffic.
* You have ever called a person found after a fire a "crispy critter".
* You have ever stomped out a fire with your boots because you couldn't wait for water.
* You have ever walked 3 miles into the woods in 100 degree heat in full turnout gear and a 5 gallon or more water can strapped on your back just to put out a fire.
* Your kids are afraid to get into water fights with you.
* Your work gear makes you sound like Darth Vader.
* You roll around in anything that just burned to make your new gear look old.
* You carry enough in your car to extinguish a minor blaze.
* Your own vehicle has more lights than a Christmas tree.
* All the shirts you own say you are a firefighter.
* If you have more pagers than money in your wallet.
* If assembling a mile and a half of hose running up a hill to catch a fire is a good day.
* The microwave goes off and you run out of the house thinking it was your pager.
* If you have ever woken up thinking your pager went off and as you look at it, it does.
* When you really think that rusty old hydrant will look good in the garden.
* If you had to extricate someone by cutting the car doors off on one side and realized there was nothing wrong with the doors on the other side.
* If you have more toy fire trucks than your kids do.
* If you have played pacman on the siren with the yelp and the PA mic.