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Post by Bundy » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:17 pm

Received a few jokes yesterday I thought I should pass them on....JayVee please don't take offence!!

Q. Why do women wear make up and perfume ?
A. Because they're ugly, and they smell

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front Of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're f#ckin' ugly."
There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.......

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Post by <T-K> » Thu Oct 06, 2005 4:49 pm

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replace- ment parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

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Post by Kapel » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:30 pm


Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this
wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~
Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers...

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm,
it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing
of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's
why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
An F1 Idiot!!!

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Post by Kapel » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:39 pm

Murray Walker's Quotes :

He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it" :shock:

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go" :evil:

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?" :shock:

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place" :lol:

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th" :crush:

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"

"He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car" :shock:

"It's raining and the track is wet" :lol:

"And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"

"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"

[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his headphones..." :shock:

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team]. :lol:

Murrary: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!"
James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."

Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari
James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light

As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..." :lol:

[after a post race interview with Mansell after the Austrian GP 1987]
Murray : "How did you get that nasty bump on your head Nigel?"
[Nigel leans forward to show the camera as Murray pokes it with his finger !]
Nigel: " OWCH!!" :shock:

Murray: And look at the flames coming from the back of Berger's McLaren
James: Actually, Murray, they're not flames, it's the safety light.

Murray, commentating on rallycross from Lydden, describes how a BMW driver has cut holes in his windscreen so that his visibility is improved in all the muck... as he is doing so, the car crashes heavily into an earth bank...

From the Spanish GP 1995: "and Eddie Jordan is in fifth place"...
(actually Eddie Irvine in one of his compatriot Eddie Jordan's cars).

"...and he's lost both right front tyres" :lol:
(which may have been accurate back in the days of the Tyrrell P34, but it was from 1995, and there was only one right-front tyre!)
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Post by <T-K> » Fri Oct 07, 2005 4:38 pm

Kapel wrote:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
For some, alchohol isnt a factor..... :lol:

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Post by mlittle » Sat Oct 08, 2005 11:11 am

These two men are playing a leisurely round of golf one sunny afternoon, and as they get to the next hole to begin, they see a pair of very beautiful women ahead of them. One of the men begins to walk towards the pair, then, very quickly, turns around and tells the other, "I can't talk to them. One's my wife and the other's my mistress." :shock: :shock: After a moment, the other guy says, "I'll talk to them." And off he goes....only to come back ashen-faced. The other guy goes, "Well, what's wrong?" And the first guy says, "Remember what you just said? Well, I hate to break it to ya', but the mistress is my wife and..." Let's just say, they played a very subdued round of golf that day.. :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Post by Julian Mayo » Sat Oct 08, 2005 11:18 am

Farmer heads down to his back paddock which has a swimming hole in it. He takes a bucket to collect some fruit. Gets to the water hole and finds 3 stark naked beautiful women swimming in it. They see him, and call out " go away, we can't come out til you do.
Farmer shifts straw to other side of his mouth and replies, "Im not here to bother you ladies" and holds up the bucket..."I'm just here to feed the crocodile".
The Mountain is a savage Mistress.

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Post by <T-K> » Sat Oct 08, 2005 6:01 pm

Pilot jokes

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

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Beer Troubleshooting Chart

Post by mlittle » Sat Nov 12, 2005 3:42 pm

If the following things should happen to you whilst drinking, consult this heah' chart for any and all solutions....

1}(Problem)Feet cold and wet.......(Reason)Glass being held at incorrect angle.......(Solution)Rotate glass so that open end is towards ceiling!

2}Feet warm and wet.........Improper bladder control........Stand next to somebody's dog and complain about house training!! :shock:

3}Beer seems pale and tasteless.....Glass is empty!........Have someone at F1 idiots bar get you another beer!!

4}Bar walls covered with weird lighting......You have fallen over backwards.....Have someone lash you to the bar. :shock: :shock:

5}Mouth contains cigarette butts.....You have fallen forward into the bar!....See #4 solution.

6}Beer tasteless, but your shirt is wet.....Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face......Retire to restroom and practice in mirror. :shock: :shock:

7}Floor seems blurred....You are looking through bottom of glass.....Have someone get you another beer!!

8}Floor seems to be moving.....You are being carried out of bar......Ask someone if you're going to another bar!!

9}Bar seems unusually dark.....Bar's closed for the night.....Go to another bar. 8) 8) :shock:

10}Taxi takes on sudden colorful aspects/textures....Beer consumption has exceeded personal limits....Cover mouth and head for nearest throne!! :shock: :shock: :shock:

11}Everyone looks up to you and smiles......You are dancing on the table....Do a mosh-pit jump onto someone or something! :shock: :shock:

12}Beer seems unusually clear....It's water; someone's trying to sober you up......Punch them and get another beer! 8) :lol: :lol:

13}Hands hurt;head hurts; mind seems clear......You've been in a bar fight with certain racecar drivers!!(one comes to mind immediately!!!)......Apologize to everyone in sight, and buy them another beer!!

14}You don't recognize anyone, and you don't recognize the room you're in.....You're at the wrong party!....See if they have free beer!! 8) 8) 8)

15}Your singing sounds distorted.....The beer's too weak.....Have more beer until your voice improves!!

And....16}You don't remember to the song your singing?......The beer's just right!...Play "Stairway to Heaven" on an air guitar, and have another beer!!
Last edited by mlittle on Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by <T-K> » Sat Nov 12, 2005 6:48 pm

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the second part first."

The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

And finally....a bit of inner wisdom.....

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. (this is what i fnd the most true)

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it was my 59th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!" (and i also live by this one.)

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

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2 Rules for Living......?

Post by mlittle » Sun Nov 13, 2005 10:45 am

Over the years I've learned two basic, no-nonsense(?) rules on life.....

1}Never sweat the "small stuff"......and,
2}Everything is small stuff!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: 8) :shock: 8) :lol:
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Post by Kapel » Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:20 pm

I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units,
I've just got to take care o' miself
So I merely have wine wi' mi supper,
An' just the one litre OK?
Then a rather large rum in mi coffee
An' I calls that mi sensible day

I never drink wine on a Tuesday,
Cos Tuesday's mi weightwatchin' club
It's the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,
The day I don't go much fer grub
Now a diet demands plenty fluid,
Summat light an' completely fat-free
So I've chosen that strong German lager
An' I just have five pints wi' mi tea

I never drink lager on Wednesday,
Cos Wednesday's the day fer mi jog
It's tracksuit an' trainers at mid-day
Then I'm off up the road wi' the dog
First stop's at the Globe fer some Guinness,
Three swift ones'll get me to grips
Then I carry on round to The Shepherds
Fer three more an' a burger an' chips
I make sure that I'm suitably rested,
Then I sprint back to our garden wall
In a time of under twelve minutes,
An' it's four 'undred metres an' all

I never drink Guinness on Thursday,
Cos Thursday's mi day to relax
I likes to sit out in t' back garden
In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks
After lunch I might stroll by the river,
Breeze in at the Fisherman's Drop
Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,
Sippin' shandy, but beawt any pop
Then cos I've been good through the day like,
She'll allow me to waver a smidge
So mi evenin's spent watchin' the footy
Wi' a few packs o' Boddies from t' fridge

I never drink Boddies on Friday,
Cos Friday's mi night on the razz
An' we meet in The Firkin at seven,
Owd Nodger an' me an' Fat Baz
Oh The Firkin's a beer-drinker's heaven,
Wi' fifteen real ales from the jug
An' we start wi' the ones in the tap-room
An' we works our way round to the snug
By midnight we're all talkin' gubbins
An' we're off fer a curry up town
But there's summat not reyt about curry
Cos I never seem t' keep the stuff down
We 'ave a good laugh wi' the waiters,
An' Baz moons his bum fer a joke
Then I'm home fer a nightful o' passion,
Cos I'm known as a passionate bloke

I never do much on a Sat'day,
Cos Sat'day's mi time fer a think
Cos me an' the wife are not speakin' today,
I'm a drunken, fat pig an' I stink
So I sit near the lavvie pretendin'
That really I'm feelin' just great
But I'm goin' right off that Indian food
If it leaves me in this bloody state
It's later I make the decision,
On my forty-third trip to the bog
There's only one thing cures an upset like this
An' they call it the 'air o' the dog
I ring Nodge an' Baz on mi mobile
An' both of 'ems likewise in pain
So we're back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six
An' we do it all over again

I never say Firkin on Sunday,
Cos Sunday's mi day to repent
I'm ashamed of all o' that boozin' I've done
An' all o that money I've spent
I begs the wife fer forgiveness
An' I promise I'll alter mi ways
An' she gives me a kiss an' a cuddle,
Like she did in our newly-wed days
We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,
Then a nice pot o' tea an' some cakes
An' I swear now I've climbed up the ladders,
I'll never slide down any snakes
But it's borin' on telly on Sunday,
An' I can't say I'm ever impressed
So I 'ave a walk out round the village
An' stop off at the Collier's Rest
Now the beer's a bit crap in The Collier's
So I leave an' pop round to The Swan
Where I flatten a shed-load o' Tetley's
An' I'm bloody well back to square one

So I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday's the day fer mi health
An' the wife's got me countin' them units
I've just got to take care o' miself
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Post by <T-K> » Fri Nov 18, 2005 6:46 pm

Ways to Keep Your Sanity:

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Don't use any punctuation marks.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!", "Third time this week!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

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Weird Jobs....

Post by mlittle » Wed Nov 23, 2005 1:46 am

Recently in Popular Science magazine, they listed the "Ten Worst Possible Jobs" in is a sampling of the jobs in question.... :danger: :shock: :shock:

1}Reserachers from Harvard currently in Borneo studying reproductive-hormone levels in catching said animals' urine in plastic sheets(sorta' like how firefighters catch jumping people)....

2}Monitors who run TOWARD, not away from erupting volcanoes to set up monitoring equipment :danger: :danger:

3}U.S. Geological Survey scientists who study "extremophile" microbes that exist in putrid environments(think corpse plants and their peculiar smell) :shock: :shock: :shock: , and

4}"Human Lab Rats"; yes, there are students at the Univserity of California-San Diego who volunteer to have various pesticides sprayed in their eyes.... :wha: :danger: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Bad Puns, Pt. 1.....

Post by mlittle » Mon Nov 28, 2005 10:20 am

1.Hear about the bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender? He served subpoena coladas.

2.The tree surgeon arrived at our house and promptly hit my mom with a tree limb he cut down. He came, he saw, he conked her.

3.(For any other Americans who read this posting...)The Northern bank teller could hardly understand her Southern customers withdrawls.

4. A dog walks into a saloon, puts his bandaged foot on the bar, and announces...."I'm a-lookin for the man that shot my paw."

5.'s such a drag.

6.And last but not least.....Sign at nudist camp: Clothed for Winter!
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