Jokes

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:21 pm

[quote="jacfan"]Message from hubby: Yes apparently you only get 20 years for murder.

[/quote

Out in eight....with good behaviour.......and parole.......ooooops

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:45 pm

Normally J is tucked up in bed

but he decided to read the joke over my shoulder and he totally cracked up laughing. Which, if you knew him, you would know is not something he does very often. Amazing how universal that humour is among the males of the species.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 12:09 am

jacfan wrote:Normally J is tucked up in bed but he decided to read the joke over my shoulder and he totally cracked up laughing. Which, if you knew him, you would know is not something he does very often. Amazing how universal that humour is among the males of the species.

Scratches armpit........thinks.........farts........thinks.........nup, no solids in that........scratches chest hairs........something primordinal stirs deep within........thumps chest.....staggers, coughs...........stumbles to dunny......90% accuracy.......(geez...try doing that on the pistol range with a weapon that changes size by the second)........farts.........nup...no solids....thinks.......Who's joking

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 1:01 am

Hmmmm I think after that, I am off to bed. Yuk... feeling a bit on the queasy side right now. I wish I had an emoticon that threw up! I really hope you are in a better frame of mind tomorrow my fine friend. I on the other hand just hope I can get rid of the visuals you have created in my brain.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 1:04 am

jacfan wrote: Hmmmm I think after that, I am off to bed. Yuk... feeling a bit on the queasy side right now. I wish I had an emoticon that threw up! I really hope you are in a better frame of mind tomorrow my fine friend. I on the other hand just hope I can get rid of the visuals you have created in my brain.

The name of the thread is

Hope you have not inherited that which we here have all had

<T-K> · Post by **<T-K>** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:15 pm

Julian Mayo wrote: Hope you have not inherited that which we here have all had

Hangovers?

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Sat Jul 22, 2006 4:33 pm

<T-K> wrote:
Julian Mayo wrote: Hope you have not inherited that which we here have all had

Hangovers?

I was going to say, 'what are they,' but I think i may have a fair idea come sunup

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Sun Jul 23, 2006 11:51 pm

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any
way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith."

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 8:05 am

Wince........

Bundy · Post by **Bundy** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 11:13 am

Oldie but a goodie....I love that joke!!!

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 3:43 pm

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Mon Jul 24, 2006 3:49 pm

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 12:25 am

Australian Government
Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship
You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.

True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean

a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?

a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What someone is more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket?s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score ????.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 5:36 am

cmlean · Post by **cmlean** » Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:17 am

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

Do you mean the second lead singer (Bon Scott) or the one almost unheard of before him????????

News On F1 Forums - Talk Formula 1

Jokes

So You Want to be an Aussie?