Jokes

[Julian Mayo]

Don't worry about the elephante Julian. The elephante won't hurt you but if I was you I would be really really worried.

[GhoGho]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth"
he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth."says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner
picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says
the dwarf."Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to
how him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the
dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up
the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says.
'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck
and shoves his head deep inside the horses victoria regina. He holds him
there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze
that... Can I see her wun awound?"

[jacfan]

Good one GhoGho

[GhoGho]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would
think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What
are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And
where do you think you're going?"
(You're going 2 love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[jacfan]

Keep them coming GhoGho!!
(however not llike a certain JB fan)

[GhoGho]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year:
namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
He didn't call back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.

[jacfan]

Hey that is a very good and valid point.... wonder if I could use that one.

[Julian Mayo]

Hey that is a very good and valid point.... wonder if I could use that one.

Only if you are a genuine blonde

[<T-K>]

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, ?When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.?

So next Sunday he took the monsignor?s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don?t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a#%.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8.) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s@#$ out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don?t say he was stoned off his a#%.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ?Big T.?

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ?take this and eat it, for it is my body.? He did not say ?Eat me?.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ?Mary with the Cherry?.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter?s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy?s.

[<T-K>]

There is a factory in America which makes the "Tickle Me
Elmo" toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory,
and she reports
for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door
and begins to
Rant about the new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow,
and The whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the Two men march down to the factory floor. When they get
there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over
the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of
the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
Wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package Between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager
bursts into laughter.


After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together
and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday.

Your job Is to give Elmo two test tickles

[Julian Mayo]

now if the priest gets the sack, and gets a job with the Elmos, and keeps on the vodka.....................

[Julian Mayo]

When i die, I want to do it peacefully, in my sleep, Like my Grandpa...........not like the other 4 people in his car

[Julian Mayo]

I was designated driver the other night.
They still haven't found their way home

[Julian Mayo]

Marriage is hard work. If your partner leaves you, the least they could do is find you a temp.

[Julian Mayo]

My parent split when I was 7. I caught up with the Old Man a few years ago.
Because I made the Olympic Train On team (many years ago), I thanked him for taking me out in the boat when I was 5, and chucking me over the side a mile from shore.
He said..." Son, I wasn't trying to teach you to swim"