Jokes

[Julian Mayo]

Lassie spat me out

[jacfan]

Hey that is a very good and valid point.... wonder if I could use that one.

Only if you are a genuine blonde

Not even remotely blonde.

[jacfan]

An Aussie love story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac
bikkies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bikkies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................



"F#ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Julian Mayo]

Hey that is a very good and valid point.... wonder if I could use that one.

Only if you are a genuine blonde

Not even remotely blonde.

Lassie would spit you out

[Julian Mayo]

An Aussie love story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac
bikkies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bikkies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................



"F#ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

This is hardly the place for an autobiography
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[<T-K>]

An Aussie love story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac
bikkies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bikkies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................



"F#ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

This is hardly the place for an autobiography
.
.
.

.

Have you lost all will to live?

[jacfan]

Wll how about you answer T-K?
I in the meantime will be in the kitchen making Anzac bikkies with a good slug of WT in the mix.... hmmmm I wonder whose funeral they will be for.

[<T-K>]

Wll how about you answer T-K?
I in the meantime will be in the kitchen making Anzac bikkies with a good slug of WT in the mix.... hmmmm I wonder whose funeral they will be for.

I have learnt when you should stand your ground, and when you should run like lightning............this situation seems to bend towards the latter......Woman in Kitchen....Kitchen contains numerous sharp and pointy objects

[Julian Mayo]

Wll how about you answer T-K?
I in the meantime will be in the kitchen making Anzac bikkies with a good slug of WT in the mix.... hmmmm I wonder whose funeral they will be for.

I have learnt when you should stand your ground, and when you should run like lightning............this situation seems to bend towards the latter......Woman in Kitchen....Kitchen contains numerous sharp and pointy objects

Ahhh, woman in kitchen. Lust drool pant slobber

[jacfan]

Flattery will get you everywhere,

[jacfan]

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet, Dr. Avrum Finklestein decided to keep her for a day
o r so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. And he reminded the vet that it was his wife that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to Dr. Finklestein's office..
The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in , leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is
finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I
think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the
door.

Now, THAT'S getting even......

[Julian Mayo]

I was in Safeway buying a large bag of Purina biscuits for my dogs. the lady behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse I said "no, I am going back on the Purina Dog Food diet. The last time, I lost 30kg"
She was gobsmacked, then asked how it works.
'Simple", I said..."you fill your pockets with them, every time you get hungry, you eat one. You have to be careful tho' last time, I ended up in hospital with tubes in every orifice, and a couple stuck in my arms as well"
Shocked she said "did you get poisoned?"
Every one behind her was listening in
I said " No, they are very nutritious, I was sitting in the street, licking my balls, and got hit by a car".

[<T-K>]

Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

[<T-K>]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!

[mlittle]

Steps in becoming an American Open-Wheel Racing fan.............

Step 1......Find brick wall, especially one with Tony George's picture on it.
Step 2.......Apply head to wall with immense force.
Step 3.......Repeat step 2 until you have flashbacks of the sport pre-split.
Step 4.......Use TG's picture on the dartboard in the idiots' bar while nursing headache from steps 2-3.