Jokes

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:15 am

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, well I have spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.
She said, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think about women.
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat on the other side of the cowboy and asked
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He turned and replied... "You know I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 7:00 pm

The things people read in the newspapers, part 2............

Here are some more things that somehow made it past the copy editors at various newspapers across America..............(with commentary.....

)

1} Doesn't this sound like a fun event..............."Residents to learn about septic-sewer system at chili supper."

2} Advertisments contain all sorts of things, such as........."Hamsters for sale, $1.00. Call Allen." and, just above, "Live hamsters, .50c. Call Allen's mother."

3} Police blotter item.........."August 24th; 1000 block of 7th St. Police stopped vehicle for going 48 in a 35 mph zone and for having an air freshener." Huh? Imagine the officer's first thought....."What's with the pine tree, bub?"

4} Another ad that got past the censors..........."Butchered peasants for sale, $5 each."

Maybe they meant, butchered pheasants........

5} Finally.....I know we're supposed to watch what we eat, but........this ain't the way to do so..........."Manure is not a health food." Oh, really, I wonder why?

Snowy · Post by **Snowy** » Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:40 am

How To Catch A Lion
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

Theoretical Physics Methods

The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

The Schr?dinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait.

The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator on it and a wild lion.

As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator, exchanging spins.

A relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.

Experimental Physics Methods

The thermodynamics method
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert.

The atomic fission method
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

The magneto-optical method
We plant a large, lens shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lens.

cmlean · Post by **cmlean** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 11:01 am

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I don't quite understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin; one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, they all kept screaming: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like . . .Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

mlittle · Post by **mlittle** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 7:05 pm

More things that got into the papers.......

~~Restaurants should really check their advertisments.........this one, for instance, from the Green Mill Restaurant says......"Order anything from our menu....and WE'LL STEP ON IT!!".

~~Looking for something to do.....well, there's the Oneida Co. Solid Waste Site Tour.

And there's more.......Free samples for all participants!!

~~Retail grocery chains should check their ads, too......$1.49 special on Super G-String Cheese......

~~Don't you just hate it when someone loses a pet.....for instance, this one was in the papers. $50 reward, lost cat. Name: Feebee(long-haired, black-and-white cat). Now, where was it last seen......Last Seen: April 27th, at the Park County Rod & Gun Club Shooting Range.

"So, what happened to it again?"

~~Copy editors.....check story titles for accuracy. Case in point: Adult spelling be scheduled August 19th.

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 9:59 pm

~~Retail grocery chains should check their ads, too......$1.49 special on Super G-String Cheese......

Just wondering where they make that

the mind boggles.

GhoGho · Post by **GhoGho** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 7:14 am

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the
lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s#$% out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s#$% out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

GhoGho · Post by **GhoGho** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 7:29 am

Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multi-tasking... how come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?"

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:44 am

GhoGho wrote:Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multi-tasking... how come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?"

That is actually an urban myth. Sex when you have a headache is good as sex releases endorphins which help get rid of the headache.

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 1:08 pm

Fred's job at the post office is to sort and decipher illegible addresses.
One letter was addressed to God in barely decipherable handwriting.
Out of curiosity he opened it to find the following
"God, please help me. I have had my handbag stolen with my $100 pension cheque in it. I have friends coming for christmas lunch and no money to buy food"

Touched, Fred organised a whip-round, and he was able to collect $95.00 from the staff.

In the first post after Christmas, Fred came on another letter in the same hand.
It read
"Thankyou God for a wonderful Christmas, my friends and I had a lovely day.
By the way, there was $5.00 missing.
I blame those bastards at the post office"

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 1:23 pm

After a long and happy marriage Earl suddenly passed away. Heart broken, Edna decided to join him in death. She found Earls old sevice pistol and decided to shoot herself through her broken heart. Being a cautious woman, she rang her local Doctor to find out exactly where her heart was positioned.
"Being a woman, your heart is just below your left breast" she was told. "Why".
Edna hung up without answering.
That day Edna was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to the waist.

GhoGho · Post by **GhoGho** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:27 am

jacfan wrote:
GhoGho wrote:Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multi-tasking... how come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?"
That is actually an urban myth. Sex when you have a headache is good as sex releases endorphins which help get rid of the headache.

Will someone please tell my wife????????

Julian Mayo · Post by **Julian Mayo** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:38 am

GhoGho wrote:
jacfan wrote:
GhoGho wrote:Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multi-tasking... how come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?"
That is actually an urban myth. Sex when you have a headache is good as sex releases endorphins which help get rid of the headache.
Will someone please tell my wife????????

Will someone please tell my GF to get a headache ????

GhoGho · Post by **GhoGho** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:43 am

jacfan wrote:
GhoGho wrote:Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multi-tasking... how come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?"
That is actually an urban myth. Sex when you have a headache is good as sex releases endorphins which help get rid of the headache.

Which part is the myth jacfan? That women are good at multitasking?

jacfan · Post by **jacfan** » Thu Dec 14, 2006 10:31 am

GhoGho wrote:
jacfan wrote:
GhoGho wrote:Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multi-tasking... how come they cannot have a headache and sex at the same time?"
That is actually an urban myth. Sex when you have a headache is good as sex releases endorphins which help get rid of the headache.
Which part is the myth jacfan? That women are good at multitasking?

No... the myth is about avoiding sex because of a headache. Good sex releases endorphins which are pleasurable and can take away the pain. It can also relieve stress and once again ... there goes the headache. However it will not help if you/your wife/GF has a migraine.
Hope that is of some help to you.
BTW JM you have a new GF??? You sneaky thing.