Jokes

[jacfan]

Oooops just remembered there is probably a law against sedating the kids so... I guess you will just have to put up with it and I will try and coerce someone else into giving massage and peeling grapes.

[Julian Mayo]

Fella travelling thru the Good Ol USA comes upon and old Indian and his wife.
They get talking and he asks the Old Indian his wifes name.
The Old Indian replies "Three Horses"
The traveller says "How come?, What does it mean?"
The Old Indian says
"Nag,nag,nag"

[Julian Mayo]

A blonde and a redheaed are walking past a florists, and the redhead sees her boyfriend inside, buying her flowers.
"oh, darn she says''
The blonde says "you dont like him buying you flowers?"
"No," says the redhead, he always has high expectations when he buys me flowers, and I dont feel like spending the next three days with my legs in the air"
"You dont have a vase?" asks the blonde.

[jacfan]

Tommy Cooper classics
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
>
> The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>
> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
>
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>
> "Is it common? "
>
> "It's not unusual."
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>
> "No, because he's really heavy"
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
>
> "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> So I went to the dentist.
>
> He said "Say Aaah."
>
> I said "Why?"
>
> He said "My dog's died.'"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
>
> 'Who's speaking please?'
>
> And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
>
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
>
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> "So I rang up a local building firm,
>
> I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
>
> there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>
> It's either my mum or my dad.
>
> Or my older brother Colin.
>
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>
> But I think it's Colin.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
> he said
>
> 'You've been promoted.'
>
> And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
>
> "You've been promoted again.'
>
> And I swerved again.
>
> He rang up a third time and said
>
> 'You're managing director.'
>
> And I went into a tree.
>
> And a policeman came up and said
>
> 'What happened to you?'
>
> And I said 'I careered off the road.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
>
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
>
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
>
> And the dentist said to me
>
> Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
> me a lift?"
>
> I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
>
> "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
> the other was eating fireworks.
>
> They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>
> They left a little note on the windscreen,
>
> it said
>
> 'Parking Fine.'
>
> So that was nice."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A man walked into the doctors,
>
> The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
>
> The man replied "I know I've been ill"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A man walked into the doctors,
>
> he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
>
> The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
>
> He wasn't very happy.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>
> couldn't find any.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
>
> month for the next 2 years.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
>
> of them would have seen it.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Phone answering machine message -
>
> "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>
> He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
> A strong currant pulled him in.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
>
> He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>
> The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> kayak
>
> and heat it.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>
> with hundreds and thousands.
>
> Police say that he topped himself.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>
> The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
>
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
> and
>
> rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
> number
>
> to climb as digging continues into the night

[Julian Mayo]

tish........boom

[GhoGho]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[<T-K>]

>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>
> "No, because he's really heavy"
>

I found that amusing....

[jacfan]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Go Granny!!!

[jacfan]

Just something to make you smile for a minute..

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next
day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???"

They Walk among us!!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .

They Walk Among Us!!!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving".

They Walk Among Us!!!!


I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting
to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of
the half-pounder.

They walk among us!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!


My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your
plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!


And yes ... sadly...not only do they walk among us, they also
reproduce!!!!

[GhoGho]

Just something to make you smile for a minute..

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next
day someone stole it.

Caution... They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???"

They Walk among us!!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .

They Walk Among Us!!!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving".

They Walk Among Us!!!!


I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting
to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of
the half-pounder.

They walk among us!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!


My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your
plane arrived yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!


And yes ... sadly...not only do they walk among us, they also
reproduce!!!!

Sounds just like the good folks up the road from me

[jacfan]

I know some of these myself...

[<T-K>]

This isnt a joke, but it certainly gave me a bit of a giggle...

Bathroom Reader

[jacfan]

This isnt a joke, but it certainly gave me a bit of a giggle...

Bathroom Reader

OMG... why would you want/need to spend that much time in there?????? Me...I am in.... .. and out... asap.

[<T-K>]

This isnt a joke, but it certainly gave me a bit of a giggle...

Bathroom Reader

OMG... why would you want/need to spend that much time in there?????? Me...I am in.... .. and out... asap.

In my family its the only quiet spot in the house

[jacfan]

This is absolutely true but just five minutes ago, nature called and off I went to the tiniest room in the house, only to be confronted by one very very large spider.. naturally being the brave person I am... I screamed and ran!!!
Even after spider was squished and wrapped in paper and thrown into the bowl.. I had to flush it before I could sit down to do ... well