Jokes

[jacfan]

After having their 13th child an Australian couple go see their doctor about a vasectomy.
The Doctor says no I'm catholic, I can't do that.....but take this big fire-cracker home, take your clothes off, light the fuse and hold it by your ear Thommo, then count to ten.
Bewildered, and very much in doubt, the couple go home.
Thommo goes upstairs, strips, lights the fuse, counts 1 2 3 4 5 , puts the cracker between his legs so he can count 6 7 8 9 .........BOOM

OUCH That is nas-ty.

[jacfan]

[Julian Mayo]

I know the feeling, no chemicals required either

[jacfan]

I know the feeling, no chemicals required either

Now look who's skiting

[Julian Mayo]

I know the feeling, no chemicals required either

Now look who's skiting

[jacfan]

I know the feeling, no chemicals required either

Now look who's skiting

Now don't cry Or you will have me in tears too. I know you are a legend cause you told me so.

[Julian Mayo]

Now look who's skiting

Now don't cry Or you will have me in tears too. I know you are a legend cause you told me so.

As you add more posts Ed gives you a higher ranking eg, f1racer,f1 winner etc. I got stuck with "forum legend"
which causes me no end of embarrasment. I feel 'forum clown" is far more appropriate

[Ed]

Your next milestone is 10,000 posts

[Julian Mayo]

Your next milestone is 10,000 posts

A Mt. Panorama weekend with a I000km live race call (and a live call of Japan if a certain Ed plays truant again) should just about cover that

[jacfan]

Yes I have noticed that I now have the rank of formula 3 tester.

[jacfan]

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.

I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

[jacfan]

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha...what a bone head!

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok...hold on...I'll check with the caveman...)

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

[jacfan]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[jacfan]

[jacfan]