Jokes

[mlittle]

Larry the Cable Guy from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour....................

Two hunters were out in the woods one day and one of 'em says, "I can see your wife's cheatin' on ya' with another guy!" The other hunter says, "Oh, I've had it with her! Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts!" First hunter replies, "I can do that with one shot!"

[Julian Mayo]

Larry the Cable Guy from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour....................

Two hunters were out in the woods one day and one of 'em says, "I can see your wife's cheatin' on ya' with another guy!" The other hunter says, "Oh, I've had it with her! Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts!" First hunter replies, "I can do that with one shot!"

[mlittle]

More Interesting Things in the Papers..............................

~~Election season's coming up.........one mayoral candidate declared that, "If elected, I'll enter a 28-day treatment program." And to think.....when I was a kid, the mayor was the town drunk.......

~~This must be the way they do it out in the sticks..............."Cow Urine Makes for Juicy Lemons......"

~~Let's move to this town........."Legless meth lab suspect on the run from Manteca cops......." Hey, isn't that Scott Speed's hometown? Come to think about it.......if you're legless and running from police, you must be on something.....

~~Looking for a good movie to rent........how 'bout, The Texas Chainsaw Massage"...........

~~What do I always say......Check your copy before printing the papers.........one newspaper's headline, Blindness doesn't stop target practice..........

[Julian Mayo]

Port Adelaide

[jacfan]

Port Adelaide

Please stop.... I am about to pee meself.

[Julian Mayo]

Manly

[jacfan]

[jacfan]

Taking the dog for a walk

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl
asked.
>
> "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother.
>
> "What does that mean?" asked the child.
>
> Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her
> young
> daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in
> the
> garage."
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a
> walk
> around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and
> that I
> had to come talk to you."
>
> Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said,
> "Bring
> Fifi over here."
>
> He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end
> with it.
> "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can
> only go
> around the block once."
>
> The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the
> leash.
>
> "Where is Fifi?" her father asked.
>
> "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of
> gas
> about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
>

[jacfan]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"



Well... You'll love this one!



I am a woman and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.



I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.



Suddenly I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?



Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been a classmate.. or could he?



After he examined my teeth, I thought I really should at least ask if he had attended Morgan Park High School .



"Yes! Yes, I did! I'm a Mustang," h e gleamed withpride.



"When did you graduate?" I asked.



He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?"



"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.



He looked at me closely. Then that old, wrinkled, baldheaded, fat, gray haired, decrepit s................. asked, "What did you teach?"

[GhoGho]

......

He looked at me closely. Then that old, wrinkled, baldheaded, fat, gray haired, decrepit s................. asked, "What did you teach?"

[jacfan]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the lying prick told you I was speeding, too.





Don't Mess With Old Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

[jacfan]

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?


I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!



"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave lollies to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.


Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.


"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD!



DOH!!!

[jacfan]

LOST GRANDPA.........
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Bundy Rum and women with big tits."

[jacfan]

COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and

drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna

divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -

women like that are hard to find.

[Julian Mayo]

COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and

drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna

divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - -

women like that are hard to find.

What's her address?