Jokes

[Julian Mayo]

[img]http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y4/jacfan/ShortShor
tShortStory.jpg[/img]

That noise is the sound of hundreds of male feet stampeding from the forum

[jacfan]

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

[jacfan]

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

[Julian Mayo]

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

No. 11 is a trap for young players

[jacfan]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath
- when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going
to be a string attached _____ .

[jacfan]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar, a man. The three men kept
looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when
suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is it's
Jesus".

The others looked again and sure enough it was Jesus himself sitting
alone at the table. The Irishman called out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you
Jesus?"

The man looked over at him, smiled a patient smile and nodded his head.
"Yes I am Jesus", he said.

The Irishman called the bartender over and said to him, "I'd like you to
give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender poured Jesus a Guinness and took it over to his table.

Jesus looked over, raised his glass, smiled thank you and drank.

The Englishman then called out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but are you
really Jesus?"

Jesus smiled and said, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckoned the bartender and told him to send over a pint
of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly did.

As before, Jesus accepted the drink and smiled over at the men.

Then the Australian called out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or
what?" Jesus nodded and said, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot
of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepted with pleasure.

Some time later after finishing the drinks, Jesus left his seat and
approached the three men. He reached for the hand of the Irishman and
shook it thanking him for the Guinness.

When he let go, the Irishman gave a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the
arthritis is gone" he cried out. "The arthritis I've had for years is
gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shook the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the
Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go the Englishman's eyes widened in
shock.

"By jove", he exclaimed, "The migrain I've had for over 40 years is
completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approached the Australian, who had a terrified look on his
face.

The Aussie whispered . "F**k off, mate. I'm on workers comp."



--

[jacfan]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

" Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.

[Julian Mayo]

Western districts farmer says to his blonde (naturally) wife, put the cat down and listen
."the Artificial Insemination guy is coming today, to impregnate that prize winning cow.
I drove an 8 inch nail into her stall door, so u can't get the wrong one"
AI guy arrives, blondie, (n cats escort him to barn, 10ft away she points to the stall door and says
"thats the one"
Impressed by the knowledge of the, he thought, spaced out cat loving ditzy blonde he walked toward the stall, saying "whats the nail for?'
She, walking away with cat on shoulder...."to hang your pants on"

[jacfan]

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...

[jacfan]

Now for those of you who decide that one of the new breeds sounds like the dog for you and you want to take a few photos..... well here is some advice.
Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...

Remove film from box and load camera.

Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

Choose a suitable background for photo.

Mount camera on tripod and focus.

Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

Put magazines back on coffee table.

Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

Call spouse to clean up mess.

Fix a drink.

Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

[jacfan]

A few basic 'rules' for all you guys out there

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

[Julian Mayo]

The top ten things men know for sure about women

1/.


2/.


3/.


4/.


5/.


7/.


8/,


9/.





10/. They have boobs.

[jacfan]

The top ten things men know for sure about women

1/.


2/.


3/.


4/.


5/.


7/.


8/,


9/.





10/. They have boobs.

You need to get back and do some more studying. We also have eyes, lips, and a heart and believe it or not a brain.

[Julian Mayo]

I am looking forward to passing my exams after intensive study of the complete subject.

[jacfan]

Keep up the study. I am sure you will pass with flying colours.